Today I feel... hopeful.

Well, I'll be. I wouldn't believe it unless I had written it myself-- i feel hopeful.

I have not felt hopeful the past week or so. No, sir. Not at all. Interestingly enough, in the first week of my time here in philadelphia and my first few experiences with the TFA machine, the head of the philadelphia-camden TFA region facilitated a session on blogging. Yes, blogging. We spent a good 45 minutes listening to Mr. Mike Wang insist that he wasn't forbidding certain information in our blogs, but that he was strongly suggesting we be responsible bloggers. do it for the kids. (Yes there is hardly one aspect of our life that this TOTAL INSTITUTION has not at least tried to touch... for better or worse)

Perhaps it is a sign then of my total conformity to the TFA ideal that I have not in my angst turned to this public posting opportunity this past week. I have wanted to show a little discretion in my venting about the Machine. TFA might rather me say the Movement. Regardless, I haven't typed tearful, angry, exclamation point inundated posts this week. Looks like the Wangster even reached the likes of me.

I honestly cannot put my finger on why the smile comes sincerely and spontaneously from my mouth this morning. I have four days left here at Institute and I still don't know about my housing. I hardly know my roommates. I have doubts about my place in the high-energy, high-stress Machine. excuse me-- Movement. And still I am missing Morganne's week before her wedding. Still I cannot be near my family on a hard weekend.

As I think throughout this whole experience in the place where-I-think-They-might-send-bad-people, I have mostly felt stressed about all of these unknowns in my life. Not excited. Not intrigued or thrilled or grateful. Just stressed. and burdened. Mostly alone. This morning the independence feels a little more exhilarating. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Exhilarating is a strong word. I just mean that I could see how all of this might be reason for a little excitement. That's all.

Which honestly, is a huge step for me and so I am grateful. Grateful just for this morning and the twinge of happiness I feel. Twinges seem seismic in my rather unhappy life of late. So yay for twinges. Thank God for twinges. Keep praying for twinges. I love you. I miss you. Keep in touch.